Love is Proved
by nicky69
Summary: What would you sacrifice for the one that you loved? How much would you be willing to give up? Now Gil has his answer. Warning, mentions of a possible slash relationship, if that's not your thing, please walk away now.AN: Betaed by the lovely elmyraemilie


**Warning: **This story contains spoilers for the season six episode "Daddy's Little Girl".

**Love is Proved**

"So, it's over."

For one brief instant, Gil regrets the look of pain and betrayal that flickers swiftly over Nick's face. It's gone in an instant, lost as Nick locks down his emotions. Still, it was there and Gil feels like a bastard for being the one to put that look on Nicky's face to begin with. He knew even as he uttered the words how they would be taken. Had in fact picked them for the maximum damage that they would inflict. It had been his intention to hurt Nick, to drive him away.

It really was all for the best; well, that's what he told himself. Nick was better off without him and Gil knew that no amount of reasoned discussion would convince Nick otherwise. So he resorted to cheap shots and hateful gibes and pretended to be clueless when he wounded the other man with his seemingly thoughtless comments.

Watching now, as Nick walked away, he knew that he had succeeded. Despite his outward appearance of agreement with Grissom, his easy acceptance of those hateful words, his body told another story. Nick's shoulders were rigid with tension and anger, but it was in his eyes that Gil had seen his own undoing. In Nick's eyes, he had seen disappointment, bewilderment, pain, and betrayal. He had seen the last vestige of the faith that Nick had in him wither and die. And in that moment, Gil felt something inside blaze fiercely. It cried out, telling him to put a stop this charade; but somehow he held firm. He remained seated and allowed his reason for living to walk away. His world shattered around him.

From the very first moment that Gil Grissom laid eyes and ears on one Nick Stokes, he was smitten. Not a word that he would normally associate with himself, but appropriate all the same. There was just something so vibrant and vivacious about the young investigator. He radiated enthusiasm and warmth and had such a zest for life that he overwhelmed Gil's natural defences in an instant and unknowingly captured his heart. Oh, to be sure, there was no denying that Nick was easy on the eyes. However, it was his inner strength and the goodness shining through his warm brown eyes that drew Gil in and won him over.

That goodness, that strength stood Nick in good stead over his years as a CSI. It allowed him to withstand the horrors that they each saw on a daily basis and yet still retain his humanity, his ability to connect with people--something that Gil had never quite managed. It allowed Nick to feel for the victims and yet never blinded him to the facts of the case or his responsibility to the truth. He matured as an investigator and a person and Gil grew more proud of him with every passing day. Still, he was careful not to let that pride show; he didn't want to tip his hand or risk his heart.

During those early years, Gil thought he saw the look in Nick's eyes change from one of hero worship, to friendship, to something more. He almost blew things, with his stupid, _silk, silk, silk riddle_. Looking back, he could see how he had hurt Nick, how he had underestimated him; how he had tried even then to push him away. Nick, however, was a better man than he and rose above his own insecurities to break the case. In doing so he won Gil's respect and admiration. When he looked into Nick's eyes, he couldn't hide from the longing that he saw there, for it mirrored of his own secret need. The very possibility that Nick Stokes could ever love him, ever need him shocked him to the core and at the same time filled him with joy. When he looked in Nick's eyes he saw the very best of himself reflected there. He felt capable of any feat, any endeavour: he felt whole. Finally, he was ready to risk everything for love.

Then Walter Gordon happened.

He would have done anything, given anything to spare Nicky the horror that he endured. But he could do nothing but watch and wait with the others, praying for a break in the case When finally it came, he was overjoyed but in the moment of his greatest triumph, he came to see the bitter truth. He knew, had always known, that being with Nick would make him happy, but he also knew that in the end he was not what Nick needed. He was just too damaged from previous relationships to ever really trust again. He was too weighed down by the baggage from his past to ever really have a future and Nick deserved more than that. So very much more.

He could admit it to himself now. The brutal truth that he wasn't who he seemed to be. He wasn't the confident, strong man that he presented to the world. Somewhere inside, something fundamental, something vital was broken. Perhaps it was because of too many disappointments, too many promises broken, but in the end, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Nick deserved someone who would love him wholeheartedly, without reservation and without fear. He needed someone who was his equal in every way and that was not Gil. He could promise to try to be better, he could play at being what Nick wanted, needed, but that is all it would ever be; just play. A falsehood, a fabrication, a wicked deception.

So he distanced himself from Nick in his time of greatest need. He stepped back and watched as Nick floundered in the months following his ordeal, struggling to overcome the horror of his early grave. Gordon had stripped him of his confidence, his independence, his ability to trust in others and Gil mourned the loss of Nick's truest nature. He held himself back when all he wanted to do was reach out and comfort the man he loved.

Covertly he watched as Nicky reclaimed his life. In small steps, in little everyday ways, he began to rebuild his shattered independence and learnt to trust again. It wasn't easy, to do or to watch, but then again, who said that it would be? And just as he was beginning to regain some of his old spark, Kelly Gordon showed up again and tore it asunder.

The tape, and his own deceit, had pushed Nick to the edge. Now, with Kelly gone, all he needed was that one final shove. He thought long and hard about those words; hated himself for saying them, but knew that they were necessary. Nicky deserved so much more than he had to give and it was his duty to see that Nick got what he deserved.

And now the deed was done.

His own feelings, his own broken dreams and shattered heart came a poor second to protecting Nick. So here he sat, watching Nick Stokes walk away, never once looking back.

Nick, who he knew would one day recover and carry on.

Nick, the only person that he had ever truly loved.

Nick, whom he was letting go.

"_Selfhood begins with a walking away,_

_And love is proved in the letting go."_

"_Walking Away" by C.Day Lewis_


End file.
